I already miss you.

I'll miss greeting you every morning, letting you out after breakfast and kissing and petting you.

I'll miss all the specific tweets you made to show me your moods and how I could tell what you were telling me.

I'll miss you yelling at me for touching you when you were chewing paper, basically saying “No this is mine”

I'll miss the little dances you did as you chewed on something.

I'll miss you rubbing your beak against me often to let me know you were there.

I'll even miss you grinding your beak, as crazy as it made me.

I'll miss you crawling down my shirt and lightly biting through the shirt at me when I teased you, and when you napped down there.

I'll miss you cuddling in my hand, sometimes napping, sometimes showing me where to pet and scratch you.

I will miss petting you so much, feeling your soft feathers.

I'll miss holding you in my hands, bringing you to my face and kissing you, and you making your grumpy chirp to tell me to stop.

I'll miss laying down and you immediately coming to cuddle into my hand resting on my chest and us napping together.

I'll just miss how anything I did, clip my nails, grabbing something, you'd always immediately come to investigate what I was doing, most of the time getting mad at whatever the item was.

I'll miss constantly looking over at you on my shoulder to kiss your cheek or beak, and you kissing back.

I'll miss giving you baths.

Most of all I will miss the happiness you gave me, and I'll never forget how you saved my life when I was at the lowest point i'd ever been.

Thank you Jinjo, I love you so much, I'm sorry.

not okay

Figured I'd dust this off to give an update on what's going on with me personally, maybe it'll feel good to type some of this crap out of me, fair warning, not gonna be a pleasant post.

I'm not okay.

Things have been really really bad here lately.

On top of my endless battle with depression things really haven't been helping me get along, man what isn't happening?

Mainly, sister and brother and law, they are on the very edge of divorce, at the moment, sister is living with us while they're separated.  Now, originally I wouldn't care about such a thing really, however..

They have 4 kids, ranging from ages 1 to 9.  I love them to death, they're really one of the brightest parts of my life, and the fact that they're having to go through this crap with their parents splitting up and possibly divorcing is killing me, no child should have to go through this kind of thing, they need their mom, they need their dad, and right now they really aren't getting either, it makes me sick to my stomach and hurts me so bad they have to go through something like this.

Secondly, our family dog, who is only a little over a year old has been diagnosed with Cancer, she hasn't been givin long to live, only a few weeks, and we're just watching her slowly die, it's heart breaking, she's such a good dog, so sweet and nice and she isn't going to even see the end of next month, it destroyed my parents, I've never heard them cry that hard, on top of the stress of my sister and brother and law drama, they're taking a big hit.

Speaking of, I had to sit through a big argument tonight between my dad and mom, stress is getting to them bad, my dad has a major surgery tomorrow, his dog is dying, his grand kids are in dire need of stability, he's had one of the roughest lives i've known, and he knows how bad a divorce can go with kids.  so again, stress is just going out of control, I tried to be a mediator with the argument but it was bad, my mom was sobbing once again, my dad was losing it, my brother was being stupid and non helpful, it wasn't good.

Should mention, at the same time, my aunt divorced my uncle (5 kids), my cousins wife is cheating on him (5 kids), it's absolute pandemonium in my family and extended.

on the personal side... just.. ugh..

 I'm 33 years old.

I am 33 years old.

I'm not okay with it, at all.  I didn't even live through my 20s, I spent it fretting and being depressed over a girl, being sad and lonely, being anxious and having no self esteem, not getting out of the house, being addicted to the internet, video games, not living really.

Speaking of said girl, I saw on facebook she's in a relationship yesterday, something that shouldn't effect me at all, yet it does, it does pretty bad, spirals me downwards more.

I've been single for almost 10 years, I'm not okay with it.  I have no idea how to even begin to meet women, or even make new friends, i'm 33, women tend to marry really young in Utah, I'm screwed in that regard, in my mind.

I'm terrified of being alone the rest of my life, I'm so, so lonely, you have no idea.  My social life is my live streams, speaking to viewers.

I have no one to confide in, to tell how my day is, how I'm doing, what i'm sad about, what my fears or hopes are, I have it all bottled up with no outlet, the few people I talk to dont want to hear about that kind of thing.

I'm just not okay, and I'm not sure how to recover from the spiral downwards, actually been considering getting back on anti depressants.

This probably got a little too personal, but whatever, I just needed to vent since I have nowhere else to do it, I honestly shouldn't tell my fans or viewers about this kind of thing, it's not really helpful to anyone for seeing me this way when I should just be entertaining, but I'm never really good at faking stuff, I'm pretty honest.

probably to a fault

The Last Jedi thoughts/ramblings

wahey, only 3 years later I'm making a blog post, I have many thoughts on this movie, so I thought I'd shove them on here, obviously this is like, SPOILING NEARLY THE ENTIRE MOVIE, so if you haven't seen it yet, don't read this, read it after you've seen it, you've been warned.


I am a pretty big Star Wars fan, I grew up watching 4 5 and 6 nearly every single week, I'd sit down and whatever I was in the mood for, pop in the VHS, they're some of my fav movies ever.

I liked episode 7, I had very little issues with it other than THAT SCENE WHERE CHEWIE WALKS RIGHT PAST LEIA AFTER HAN DIES.. WHY DOES REY HUG LEIA?! SHE DOESNT EVEN KNOW HER, THEY'D NEVER MET, WHY WOULD CHEWIE NOT HUG LEIA AND TELL HER, AUHFAIUFH

but other than that the movie was pretty dang good, except.. how was there was a RESISTANCE if there was the REPUBLIC? the resistance fought to restore the republic which was a thing already... so like-

no shut up, anyway, 7 is alright, not a fav or anything, but holy crap did I get emotional, who wouldnt being a big star wars fan? Hans death legit chokes me up every single time. just watched it the other day to prep for ep 8, my gosh it hits the feels.



So here we go with EP 8, I saw it yesterday and again, the feels were hard, I got emotional, but after the credits.. I had no idea what I really thought about it, I couldn't tell, I still am unsure completely, I need to see it again I think, but man after sleeping on it, things started pissing me off even more about this movie, I had TONS of problems with it, like.. TONS, and they add up so much that I don't even know if I like this movie now... or do I? man I DONT KNOW, there's parts I loved, there's parts I HATE.  here's some of my thoughts I spewed out, they range from nitpicky to outright universe breaking complaints.





Heavy make-up for Rey, why? she didn't have that much makeup in the previous film, don't get me wrong, she's gorgeous, but it seemed way out of place considering she had little make-up in the previous film.

weird/boring crap like the casino part: Talk about coming to a halt so badly its almost like slamming into a wall.  This whole segment was so out of place, so boring and so unnecessary, and good lord the Rose character is the worst (so was the code breaker dude, whatever his stupid stuttering name is), for someone who doesn't talk a lot her voice was like, professional voice actress levels, it was so off and she's just straight up miscast.

killed snoke already? what? who was snoke? really?? we get no backstory? no explanation? he's DEAD already in the SECOND movie??? WHO WAS HE? just a STUPID plot device and nothing more? how shallow and transparent and lame can you be about this character? holy frick I'm getting more pissed the more I type about this. 

Chewie flying the falcon like an ace all by himself with no co pilot, this irked me so bad.


I LOVED THE YODA SCENE
holy crap that was literally Yoda, like, every bit Yoda back from Empire/Return, was that the exact puppet they used? the voice, the mannerisms, oh my gosh it was so good, the feels that brought I cant even describe.


If ships going light speed does THAT much damage to ships, why didn't the RESISTANCE just have robots taking ships like crazy and doing light speed? if it does THAT much damage wouldn't it just have destroyed the DEATHSTAR outright if they threw multiple ships at it at light speed in the previous movies? that light speed destroying a whole armada of ships scene really f'd the star wars universe up and makes you ask why did they struggle so much in previous movies if LIGHT SPEED is the ultimate weapon? every ship can do light speed, that scene was stupid, this is stupid, STUPID.


Lukes character, just ugh, it's no wonder Hamill was quoted as saying "I fundamentally disagree with everything you decided about Luke"  he's such a defeated, grumpy, non luke like character, I couldn't even connect the two Lukes from the previous films, he seemed like a totally different character from them, gosh dang it it's LUKE, the kid that grew up in the films and became the Jedi, the kid I grew up with in the films, the films I watched over and over and over as a kid, and he's this character now? this shaken, faltering, weak minded luke?   I can see some of his actions sure, some of his decisions made sense, but as a whole? I just can't accept that being Luke Skywalker.  Also the way luke died bugged me to no end, he wasn't even there the whole time, and that killed him? why? if exerting that much force is gonna kill you why kill yourself? you could be REALLY USEFUL YA KNOW you DONT NEED TO DIE DUDE.
ALSO:
"Father, I know you're a psychotic mass murderer that has done unspeakable things and you've killed millions, but there's still good in you. I know it."

"Better KILL BEN THO CUZ HES LIKE, SUPER DARK, YEA"




If you liked the movie it's fine, I have no issue with that, maybe over time i'll like it more, who knows, I'm still undecided completely. 

And like, to me, the Star Wars universe was done after Return of The Jedi anyway, these are like what if stories in my mind.

Looking online it looks like the user reviews are split pretty 50/50, so I guess i'm not the only one that has an issue with it.

I also just saw on facebook that my friend, who's one of the biggest Star Wars nerds in the world, (read all the books in the 90s etc)  absolutely HATES this movie, so maybe I'm not just crazy.

thanks for reading, now agree with me or rage at me for having a differing opinion, this is the internet after all.

Shenmue 3

If you know me well enough, you know I like the Shenmue games.

No, I love them, dearly, 1&2 have such a very very special place in my heart that I couldn't even describe it to you, they were, at the time, such special games, I'd never played a game so full of heart and soul like the Shenmue games.

But it was dead, too expensive to make, didn't sell well enough.

To me this is almost like the equivalent of a dead loved one coming back to life 15 years later.  I am shocked, I am stunned.

I wasn't even expecting it, who was? It showed, and that music played, and I freaking lost it, through shock, happiness, I don't know, I freakin cried from a KICKSTARTER ANNOUNCEMENT.

No game has ever made me cry, let alone an announcement, the closest I came to crying was (one of) Chrono Triggers endings.

I was shaking the entire rest of the conference, I'm still shocked as I type this...

like... holy frick you guys... https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/ysnet/shenmue-3

GOIN TO JAPAN

Those that watch my stream already know this but for those who don't:: I'm going to Japan this week, from the 3rd to the 17th. I'll be traveling the friggin country pretty much, going to Osaka, Kyoto and finally Tokyo. This literally is one of the most wished things I've ever wanted to do in my life and I'm so so so glad I get to do it. I'm going with my sister and a few of her friends.

I'm having to borrow money from my parents to make this possible but it's worth it, I'll be dead broke when I get home but it'll be worth it.

SO as for my videos? I put them on a schedule for April, they'll still upload daily BUT they'll only be tweeted to my twitter https://twitter.com/Kilplix and not posted to my facebook or on Steam like I usually do, so if you depend on those to see when my vids go up you'll have to either just check your sub box on youtube or my twitter.

Wish me luck on this trip, hope I have fun and hope nothing bad happens!

underhell #7 Everything's scaring me

underhell #7 Everything's scaring me http://tinyurl.com/pkmey6s

Kilplix Plays Demon's Souls #16 - Prison Break

 http://tinyurl.com/nrwk5y8