.

Well, family went home, alone again, I enjoyed their time here but it was dampened by all my retard issues

A few days ago a member of the nerdyshow (A podcast group that Jonna is a part of and I'm becoming involved in) got hit by a car and was killed.

His name was Triforce Mike.

I never really met the guy but it saddened me a lot, death is simply never a good thing.

I learned in the next few days just how big of an impact his death was.

Hundreds of people showed up to the hospital to say goodbye, so many people that the hospital had to kick them out eventually.

After he died they did a podcast, a tribute to Triforce Mike.

People flew from all across the country, even from other countries to pay respects. The podcast can be heard here http://nerdyshow.com/2012/02/featured/triforce-mike-tribute/

A few days later they had a huge celebration at the comic shop he worked at, a celebration of his life.

Again, hundreds of people showed up, there was an open mic and countless people stood up to it and told their personal stories about him, how they were touched by him, how he changed and molded their lives as it is today, how they became closest of friends, songs were written about him.

It was moving, it was horribly moving, this man did not deserve to die, too many people were affected by it, he shouldn't have been taken.

I can't help but sit here and think, alone in my apartment. Alone.. as I've been for a very long time wondering just who would even show up to my funeral, wondering if there'd be a celebration of my life. I can't imagine there being one, for I have no real close friends anymore who would do it.

I have Tate, he is an amazing friend, he's my best friend and without him I'd surely be as good as dead at this point. But I can't and do NOT want him to be my only exclusive friend, he has many other friends too, and I want others as well.

Honestly though.. I just want my old friends back.


Yes, I know.. I have thousands of fans who enjoy watching me rage and freak out at video games. I know there's a lot of you who'd be sad if I did somehow die, I know this. And I am grateful to have that, I am grateful to have people to make laugh, to entertain.

But that's just it.. I'm an entertainer, a clown, a silly guy who over reacts.

I no longer have the closeness, the personal intimate friendships that I hold most important of all in this world. People who know my darkest secrets and greatest desires, fears and wishes, hopes and dreams. Share my latest thoughts, my day to day occurences, my triumphs and trials.

If I were to drop dead today there would be no one to show up at the hospital, there would be no one to set up a party in celebration of my life, there wouldn't be hundreds of people to be able to tell personal accounts and stories they had with me, funny moments, life changing experiences and the like.

My body would be shipped back home and my family would mourn my death. I love my family, I appreaciate my family, I know they love me.

But there's more to life than family, yes it's necessity.. But so is friendship, so is love outside of family.

And I don't have that anymore.

They all faded away from me. I love them all just as much as I ever did, and they don't feel the same way.

My heart was once the fullest a mans heart could ever be, I had my best friends in the whole world who I loved as much as family, I had the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I had thousands of fans who at the time I could do them no wrong.

And now my heart is as empty and as alone as a mans can ever be. I went from having everything to nothing.

I'm unstable, I'm explosive, I'm too easily offended, I know this.. but I thought that friendship lasts through thick and thin, I thought that no matter the problems, things work out as long as the friendship and love is there.

I have a gift and a horrible curse which I cannot relate to with anyone with, which has made me feel like an outcast, not normal: Once I meet a person, once I find out who they truly are to their core then my feelings for that person will not ever change. If they commit a crime, if they do something horrible or uncalled for, if they do something really bad... I'll be upset with them yeah, but in the long run it doesn't matter.. my feelings for them won't change. Everyone does things they regret, everyone does bad things at one point or another, every person gets consumed by emotions.

Every human being has flaws.

And I've been gifted and cursed with the ability to not ever be affected by that, to look past that and know they are who they are.

Because of this gift/curse it's led me to this.. being alone because everyone around me is always changing and moving while I remain here, rock solid and unmovable. Feelings I've learned the hard way are fleeting... No matter who it seems to be, the feelings will always go away over time.

And that's just not how it is with me, so through out my whole life I've always been left behind by people who've moved on to other things, other people, other lives while I am devastated by their abandonment, their change of feelings for me.

It's never been the other way around, I know not what it's like to have my feelings for someone to change. I have to cope and mourn and grief for years afterwards because I miss them and I love them.



The only people who know what I'm ever doing is those who watch my stream. I yearn for the days of talking with friends, with my significant other about day to day life. Her telling me "I went to the store today and this guy was acting weird and I saw a pen I really liked it had this cool thing to it."


I miss the simple things of interaction, socializing, communication. I miss being asked questions such as "How are you?" "What are you up to?" "What have you done today?" "I have to tell you about my day." "There's this show we have to watch together."

I miss having my company welcomed and wanted.

I'll shut up now, death just always makes you contemplate and reflect on crap.. And I already do that too much as it is.