It's been 6 years since my last post here. I'm surprised this site even exists still to be honest.
I have no idea why I'm posting. I honestly don't even know what I'm typing, just stream of consciousness.
I'm 41 in a few days. Wish I wasn't. I really hate time, you know? I know it's a pretty universal feeling. But man, I can't hate time more than I do. I think I have a condition called time blindness where I can blink and a year has passed me by and I've done nothing to better or progress myself as a person or as a living being.
I've been trying to come to terms with the fact that I've lost 15 years. I seriously have, you can read this and be like "lol okay dude." but nah, I've seriously lost 15 years of my life, just not living. holding on for dear life only to realize that's all I've been doing, not living, never living.
I'm down to the last few hundred dollars in my bank account and I'm frozen here, unsure of what to do. I've made my money being an entertainer, low grade online personality who's relevance is 10 years passed. So now what do I do? get some shit job at a grocery store? The thought terrifies me, the thought of any job terrifies me, I've become a shell of myself, I have no confidence, I'm afraid of people.
The last few years i've just been waiting to grow old and die, I'm sure it'll happen in a flash with how time flows for me. Yet I'm statistically around the halfway point in life. So what the fuck do I do? I have no one to push me forward, no life partner, the opportunity for one has passed long ago...
about 15 years ago.
I was just thinking of the past websites I used to visit and you posted. I'm sorry you are feeling this way.. a lot of what you described.. this whole self-hatred, struggling to break away, always coming back and doing it all over again... complacency where years go by without anything changing, you feel like a shell of yourself. Lack of relationships. These are things that remind me of when I struggled with addiction.
ReplyDeleteThere isn't anyone to blame... it was made this way. Decades of research, trillions of dollars all to keep you on your screen, your phone, online. How can someone not be addicted to something like this? While everyone else can use it responsibly, you are powerless to it's addictive behaviour, trapped in its inescapability, to which you can not do something that you will find rewarding in life.
I think you should look for support groups to find like minded people who also struggles with this. You are never alone. https://internetaddictsanonymous.org/ I just looked this up, look into it. Doesn't hurt to join a meeting, you don't have to talk. But if you make the habit of showing up every week, at least it's something you did. You will be remembered and recognized, but it doesn't happen if you only show up every 3 months.
You need to tell someone about this. Right now, 15 years of struggle, it probably feels like you can't break away. That's okay too. You must have someone so you are not alone again with this again. Otherwise you won't succeed. You might be afraid to admit this to someone, I get it. And you might think why would they care, or you haven't spoken in so long and there is no connection anymore. But that's what you're thinking, not what they think. You just have to give it a chance.
An old friend, family, therapist. I know money money money. There are free resources too.
https://www.reddit.com/r/nosurf/comments/p1rcc1/after_15_years_of_internet_addiction_i_quit/
You said noone would read this post yet I've seen it. There is still someone inside that shell, wanting to be heard and seen. Reaching out even into the void of blogspot. You can do this Austin. I'll believe in you.
Best wishes.