not okay

Figured I'd dust this off to give an update on what's going on with me personally, maybe it'll feel good to type some of this crap out of me, fair warning, not gonna be a pleasant post.

I'm not okay.

Things have been really really bad here lately.

On top of my endless battle with depression things really haven't been helping me get along, man what isn't happening?

Mainly, sister and brother and law, they are on the very edge of divorce, at the moment, sister is living with us while they're separated.  Now, originally I wouldn't care about such a thing really, however..

They have 4 kids, ranging from ages 1 to 9.  I love them to death, they're really one of the brightest parts of my life, and the fact that they're having to go through this crap with their parents splitting up and possibly divorcing is killing me, no child should have to go through this kind of thing, they need their mom, they need their dad, and right now they really aren't getting either, it makes me sick to my stomach and hurts me so bad they have to go through something like this.

Secondly, our family dog, who is only a little over a year old has been diagnosed with Cancer, she hasn't been givin long to live, only a few weeks, and we're just watching her slowly die, it's heart breaking, she's such a good dog, so sweet and nice and she isn't going to even see the end of next month, it destroyed my parents, I've never heard them cry that hard, on top of the stress of my sister and brother and law drama, they're taking a big hit.

Speaking of, I had to sit through a big argument tonight between my dad and mom, stress is getting to them bad, my dad has a major surgery tomorrow, his dog is dying, his grand kids are in dire need of stability, he's had one of the roughest lives i've known, and he knows how bad a divorce can go with kids.  so again, stress is just going out of control, I tried to be a mediator with the argument but it was bad, my mom was sobbing once again, my dad was losing it, my brother was being stupid and non helpful, it wasn't good.

Should mention, at the same time, my aunt divorced my uncle (5 kids), my cousins wife is cheating on him (5 kids), it's absolute pandemonium in my family and extended.

on the personal side... just.. ugh..

 I'm 33 years old.

I am 33 years old.

I'm not okay with it, at all.  I didn't even live through my 20s, I spent it fretting and being depressed over a girl, being sad and lonely, being anxious and having no self esteem, not getting out of the house, being addicted to the internet, video games, not living really.

Speaking of said girl, I saw on facebook she's in a relationship yesterday, something that shouldn't effect me at all, yet it does, it does pretty bad, spirals me downwards more.

I've been single for almost 10 years, I'm not okay with it.  I have no idea how to even begin to meet women, or even make new friends, i'm 33, women tend to marry really young in Utah, I'm screwed in that regard, in my mind.

I'm terrified of being alone the rest of my life, I'm so, so lonely, you have no idea.  My social life is my live streams, speaking to viewers.

I have no one to confide in, to tell how my day is, how I'm doing, what i'm sad about, what my fears or hopes are, I have it all bottled up with no outlet, the few people I talk to dont want to hear about that kind of thing.

I'm just not okay, and I'm not sure how to recover from the spiral downwards, actually been considering getting back on anti depressants.

This probably got a little too personal, but whatever, I just needed to vent since I have nowhere else to do it, I honestly shouldn't tell my fans or viewers about this kind of thing, it's not really helpful to anyone for seeing me this way when I should just be entertaining, but I'm never really good at faking stuff, I'm pretty honest.

probably to a fault