It's been 6 years since my last post here. I'm surprised this site even exists still to be honest.
I have no idea why I'm posting. I honestly don't even know what I'm typing, just stream of consciousness.
I'm 41 in a few days. Wish I wasn't. I really hate time, you know? I know it's a pretty universal feeling. But man, I can't hate time more than I do. I think I have a condition called time blindness where I can blink and a year has passed me by and I've done nothing to better or progress myself as a person or as a living being.
I've been trying to come to terms with the fact that I've lost 15 years. I seriously have, you can read this and be like "lol okay dude." but nah, I've seriously lost 15 years of my life, just not living. holding on for dear life only to realize that's all I've been doing, not living, never living.
I'm down to the last few hundred dollars in my bank account and I'm frozen here, unsure of what to do. I've made my money being an entertainer, low grade online personality who's relevance is 10 years passed. So now what do I do? get some shit job at a grocery store? The thought terrifies me, the thought of any job terrifies me, I've become a shell of myself, I have no confidence, I'm afraid of people.
The last few years i've just been waiting to grow old and die, I'm sure it'll happen in a flash with how time flows for me. Yet I'm statistically around the halfway point in life. So what the fuck do I do? I have no one to push me forward, no life partner, the opportunity for one has passed long ago...
about 15 years ago.
I know that feeling man, I'm nearing my mid 30's, after 10 years of making progress and sliding back, and then feeling like I'm back were I started. Either way, for some reason I felt like checking your blogspot today, and decided to post to let you know that someone did see this post. All the best man.
ReplyDeleteEvery now and then I’ll check in with your blogspot to go through memories as we are just outside viewers into what you choose to share with us. I started watching 16 years ago like a lot of people here and I just turned 29 a couple of days ago. As a viewer on the outside of your life, it didn’t feel like a waste to watch your content and be entertained by everything you’ve put out man. It got me through such a huge chunk of my life. I’ll still go back and watch your past to this day. I don’t know what it feels like to be paid to entertain on YouTube or livestreams but I feel like you still had a lasting impact on a lot of people on an internet that doesn’t exist the same way as it used to. I want to say “oh it’ll be fine!” Cause I know those are blanket words. It’s easy for life to be turned around in a snap whether good or bad. There’s still much outside of life even if it’s not in your immediate vicinity. You’re a wonderful person, Austin. None of this feels like the end of you. Only just a way to keep going up. For me, continuing therapy and picking up film/digital photography has made this year a big turn around. There’s no audience at the end, just yourself. I don’t know if my words mean anything but I just want you to know that we appreciate what you’ve done. That’s everlasting. Priceless.
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