It's been 6 years since my last post here. I'm surprised this site even exists still to be honest.
I have no idea why I'm posting. I honestly don't even know what I'm typing, just stream of consciousness.
I'm 41 in a few days. Wish I wasn't. I really hate time, you know? I know it's a pretty universal feeling. But man, I can't hate time more than I do. I think I have a condition called time blindness where I can blink and a year has passed me by and I've done nothing to better or progress myself as a person or as a living being.
I've been trying to come to terms with the fact that I've lost 15 years. I seriously have, you can read this and be like "lol okay dude." but nah, I've seriously lost 15 years of my life, just not living. holding on for dear life only to realize that's all I've been doing, not living, never living.
I'm down to the last few hundred dollars in my bank account and I'm frozen here, unsure of what to do. I've made my money being an entertainer, low grade online personality who's relevance is 10 years passed. So now what do I do? get some shit job at a grocery store? The thought terrifies me, the thought of any job terrifies me, I've become a shell of myself, I have no confidence, I'm afraid of people.
The last few years i've just been waiting to grow old and die, I'm sure it'll happen in a flash with how time flows for me. Yet I'm statistically around the halfway point in life. So what the fuck do I do? I have no one to push me forward, no life partner, the opportunity for one has passed long ago...
about 15 years ago.
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