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Sunday, February 19, 2012

Jason: Prologue

This is the beginning to my story, a story I've been creating since I was around 10 years old, literally. It has developed into a gigantic story that I'm unsure if I'll ever even be able to finish (mostly because of my lack of motivation and story telling skills). Chapter one is STILL in revision and I'll release that when I finally feel like it's worthy of being read. I'd always fantasized of this becoming a cartoon series, anime like in terms of maturity. More realistically though I'd like to at least try and do a comic series of it. I in fact started this story as a comic and have quite a bit drawn, but that was when I was 16 and it's really bad art. Anyway I hope this is entertaining enough and that it can get fan base going some day.

He hovered above in the reddened sky, taking in the horrible scene before him. Through the thick smoke he could see bodies, hundreds of them laying lifeless all across the village, the ground stained with their drying blood.  Most of the buildings were in flames.  A great castle atop a distant hill Billowed dark smoke.
      Wiz panted heavily as he surveyed the scene, he had come out of his few thousand years of hibernation for this.  It was far too soon, his powers were far from returned, but what choice did he have?  Being the only surviving light lord left it was his duty to finish the job.
      He decided to stop flying and slowly drifted to the ground, he needed as much stored powers as he could have for the coming fight.
      He wiped his brow, already feeling out of breath.  How did it come to this? He thought as he began slowly making his way through the ruined village.  He thought back on the events that had led up to this.  Despite being in a state of hibernation as he stored his powers he could still watch over the universe.  Watch helplessly as those foolish Clions tried harnessing the powers of the Shadow Lord piece.
      A Shadow Lord piece! How could one even exist? When the light lords finally managed to exterminated the shadow lords they made sure to disintegrate every single piece.  Then again Wiz reminded himself, at the end only few light lords remained, it took everything they had to wipe the darkness from the universe, and those that had survived died later from either injuries or from using all of their powers. 
      Yes... at the end they couldn’t be as careful, as efficient in destroying the shadow lords.  A mistake (or even a few mistakes wiz thought to his horror) could have been made in the war for the universe those trillions of years ago.
      And those foolish Clions!  A very highly advanced race that had found the shadow lord piece: a fully intact hand.  They’d discovered the powers it held and tried harnessing it.
      And they succeeded.
      Wiz recalled the moment as he watched in horror when they successfully fused the hand to a small orphaned boy they had captured from the streets.  At first nothing happened, for weeks as they did more experiments on the poor boy.  But during those weeks the Xertias began to move...
      Those foul Xertias, Wiz spat, knowing they were near, knowing they were the cause of most of the destruction before him.  The Xertias were the insane fanatic followers of the shadow lords, heeding every beck and call.  Throwing themselves at whatever the shadow lords pointed them to.
      With a thought Wiz conjured a sword in his hand, unremarkable and plain, he needn’t waste anymore powers creating a better one.
      It was enough to get the job done.
      He stalked cautiously through the streets, stepping over the poor villagers that had been slain and eaten.
      Those foul creatures survived these trillions of years, waiting for the day their gods would return.  And once that hand was fused to the boy, it became active, and those horrible Xertias heard its call.  As they attacked the Clion planet the boy killed the scientists in the confusion and used a teleportation device in the labs to escape the ultimate destruction of the planet. 
      The Xertias never found their god that day.
For the boy ended up on this planet called Proll, the teleportation device which was far from finished threw him on this planet where the boy grew up on the streets.  Soon though the Xertias began attacking the planet in search of their god.  However the Prollians were mighty warriors, and they fought off the Xertias for years and years.
      Even the boy who was now called Daltain joined the army when he got older to defend the planet.  Unknowingly defending the planet from those that were searching for him.
      Over time the fused hand began to overtake Daltain, though.  And soon it took over his mind completely.  That’s when it all fell apart, mentally he commanded the Xertias to attack the weak points of the planet, they overtook it within a day.
      And that day was today.
      And Wiz knew his purpose, knew from watching closely the events that had been taking place the past 20 or so years since the fist was discovered.
      He knew what shadow lord was after on this planet.
      Suddenly a Xertia appeared from an alleyway, It stared at wiz with it’s giant bug eyes, it’s insect like pincer mouth dripping blood from it's most recent victim as it regarded the light lord. 
      Suddenly it screeched a high gurgling noise and charged Wiz, six arms each wielding crude swords.
      Wiz simply stepped aside as it dived at him, swords leading the way.  It overbalanced, hitting nothing but air.  Wiz chopped downward, taking the wretches head off it’s shoulders.
      However it was a Xertia, which amazingly could regrow lost limbs, including heads. Knowing this Wiz cut at a support beam of an awning that was in flames.  It fell over the monster, instantly engulfing it in flames.  A hundred screeches emitted from the horrible thing at once as it quickly burned to a crisp.
      Wiz wasted no time, dashing towards the Castle in the distance, knowing he’d find shadow lord there.                                                  

Jescana sat in her room waiting for the inevitable.  Her blue eyes fixed on the door.  She moved her short red hair out of her face as she sat in fear.  Her father was out in the main hall of the castle, trying to defend her against Daltain, or rather... more recognized now as Shadow Lord.  Shadow Lord was after her unborn child.  He wanted it dead because it posed a threat to him.
      Because the child was his.
      The fighting was nearing its climax when suddenly a man burst through the window surprising Jescana greatly and nearly making her jump out of her seat.  She stared up at the man in shock as he fixed his dark sunglasses and brushed off glass shards, her eyes widened all the more when she realized he was floating in mid air.       
      "Don't be afraid."  Wiz said, exhaustion in his voice as he breathed heavily.  He pulled more glass out of his long blonde hair that was pulled back into a ponytail and brushed some off the shoulder of his long black trench coat which dangled below his floating feet. 
      Another loud boom outside rang out. 
      "I know this may be hard to believe."  He said quickly in desperation as he eyed the door, suddenly abandoning his initial plan of fighting Shadow Lord, knowing he stood no chance.  "But I am a...”  He shook his head as he tried to find the right word.  “A protector of sorts.  And this child you bear may be the key to destroying shadow lord just as he fears.  Please allow me to take this child to a safe planet where he can be trained to defeat Shadow Lord?"
      Jescana let the words sink in, and then slowly nodded her head without really thinking it through, If this man was really able to save her child then she'd agree no matter what. 
      "Good."  WIZ breathed.  "Then I'll be on my way.  I'm sorry I couldn't do anything more to help." 
      "Treat him well..."  Jescana pleaded in a hoarse voice.  "And... train him well."  WIZ nodded, and with a swift movement with his hand, he was gone. 
      Jescana could feel that the child was gone, no longer inside her, she hugged her stomach in dread, not even clear of what had just happened, if it was even real. 
      "AUUUGH!"  She heard her father yell.  “Do it, then.. DO IT!”  He roared in a gurgling and obviously blood filled voice. 
      “Oh, I will.”  Shadow lord said in his booming voice.  “With IMMENSE satisfaction.”
      Her father coughed.  “I... WILL...”
      “Die.”  Shadow Lord finished for him.
      There was a loud explosion.
      Then Silence... 
      "It’s over..."  Jescana whispered  "My father is dead."  She squeezed her eyes shut as the tears began to flow.  "Goodbye father, Goodbye my son."  The door suddenly burst open and Shadow Lord Stood in the doorway.
One year later, millions of light years from Proll is Earth.  It loomed in the distance as WIZ studied it from afar.  The planet was so far out of the way that Shadow Lord would never find it.  He had been searching for over a year without success.  Finally, this child could be born.  WIZ sighed in relief as he drifted towards the planet.


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  2. Heey, you're into writing? And have heaps more of it? If you're at all interested in having a beta reader to pick through things for grammar and crap, I'd have no problem seeing more of this story.

  3. It sounds alright but there should be a bit more detail in it Like a more detailed Prologue for it.It sounded like good it put a scene in my head of a little village made of wood and tin homes engulfed in fire,streets riddled with body/body parts and blood splattered everywhere.You should have added a bit more detail in how the xertias look,the story leading to the orphan boy's childhood(maybe you can add it in a later story or something like one of those flashback moments where he tells his own story)Maybe you can also say that the orphan boy is still in his own head I also spotted that you made it sound that the shadow lord and the Idea that his son is gonna be the end of him,is like the story of Chronos and Zeus( basically Chronos see's one of his kids killing him so he kills them all but Zeus lives and kicks his ass.

    But all in all it sounds like a good plot

  4. Yes this is good, maybe a bit more descricption as JRC said but also maybe slow the story down slightly at certain parts. Like explaining about the light and shadow lords. But overall its good and I hope there will be more to come.

  5. Reminded me of Mass effect, Final Fantasy and Star wars

  6. I have written a story as well, back when I was in 7th grade. I finished it in early 9th grade I think. And you're in it Austin, in a very odd way. It has a plot, but it's rather broken-up and could use some serious revision. But that was just the spark for what was to come later. I now have one story that is an indirect continuation of the main one, and one story what is something different altogether from the original. I'm quite proud for them, even if they are fragmented.

    It looks like you have a good idea for your story, and I would love to read more of it.

  7. Oh! I must say, I really like your style of writing. I'm usually very picky, a true grammar nazi you could say, even if English isn't my first language.
    But I definitely enjoyed reading this.
    At first I found it a bit hard to picture the setting, because I didn't know if it was modern day or not, but you did a good job describing the scene.
    I'm not much into Fantasy myself but now you really have caught my eye with that story. I would like it to continue :)
    And by the way, I think a lot of us know how hard it is to actually put something, that you have been imagining for a long time, into solid words. For me, it always takes a lot of effort and I usually don't bother with it, which is kind of sad since I was told that I have quite a nice style of telling things.

    You have my support to go on! I will be waiting for the next chapter!

  8. Thanks for the input guys! I think one of my major flaws is describing the setting of things, like the location and details of the location, atmosphere and the like.

    Also I wanted the prologue to be pretty vague on just what's going on in terms of plot, I personally think I even went to far into describing the plot but I decided it be necessary. Through out the story you'll learn all the little details eventually.

  9. I hope to read more of this honestly i can be a bit of a picky reader, but this prologue is enough to make me want to read the rest of the story like any good prologue. even though i am an amateur with these things i can say this will have a fanbase since it looks like you already have a few fans looking at the other comments. :3 oh and don't worry about the setting its usually the last thing i write when i write. GL

  10. Im kinda sad that this might never be a published book. I dont want to sound mean its just after i read the first part I was ready to read the whole thing. :D

  11. Pretty damn awesome storyline. It introduces enough so that you can guess what's happening and makes you want to learn more. A bit more description as has been pointed out would help.
    Also when we go to Jescanas point of view, I don't think the naration should mention information she doesn't know (Wiz's name for example). Unless she's meant to know him in which case I think that should be mentioned.
    That's just me nit picking really. Overall seems to be a really good storyline and I look forward to seeing more of it. It also makes me want to go back to writing a story I started when I was 10.

  12. It’s probably a bit late for me to be posting here, but I’m sort of into writing and wanted to try to help.
    -The main plotline looks pretty interesting; we just started reading and we have a few super-powered entities doing battle over eons in a struggle between light and dark, but now there’s a child of destiny who could turn the tides of the destructive battle. I suspect he will become the main character whereas Wiz will become a mentor of sorts. A bit of tragedy at the start can help set the mood for the rest of the book.
    -I like that there’s a bit of mystery to Jescana’s fate. Will she be killed because The Shadow Lord still sees her as a threat or will she be spared because she no longer has the child? Maybe he’ll forgive her completely since he cared about her enough to knock her up and didn’t kill her before.

    Now comes a bit of criticism. Note: this is all my opinion and others WILL disagree with it.
    -You describe things a little too explicitly. Feel free to leave a bit to the audience’s imagination. Jescana hearing her father being killed and then stating that her father is dead is a wee redundant. Just reading the description is enough to piece together what happened.
    -Some names could use a bit of tweaking. Jescana is a good name (in my opinion), but Wiz seems a bit bland. When I read the title, I thought it was a Friday the 13th fan-fiction. You may want to change the character’s name or the book’s title. It’s still very early in development, so you have tons of time to think about it.
    -I only saw it once, but some descriptions don’t fit too well. Jescana flipping her hair out of her face while cowering in fear seems a little out of place. Maybe it’s just me, but I have a hard time envisioning that.

    If you get more interested in writing, there are some tips many authors follow:
    -Read. People who read a lot usually write well. Books, journals,,, the news, long books, short articles, or whatever else strikes your fancy. Don’t read to copy ideas; plagiarism is a no-no. Read to get an idea of style and narrative structure. HOW is this writer telling the story; what pieces of information are they giving me that lets me draw a certain conclusion.
    -Don’t get discouraged by jerk critics like me, but don’t completely disregard them, either. While it’s impossible to please everyone, consider what they suggest. They may be on to something.
    -Feel free to write out of order. JK Rowling wrote *spoilers* Harry Potter’s death scene with Hagrid carrying him back to Hogwarts before most of the rest of the book. *end spoilers* If there’s a particular scene you want to happen, feel free to crank it out and write up to how the characters got there.
    -Some people are a little picky about using the passive voice. A lot of it comes down to style, but using the active voice can empower and emphasize an idea.
    -Editing is like dakka; you can never have enough. You’ll probably spend more time editing than actually writing.
    -Writer’s block happens. Roll with it.
    -You can always google “fantasy writer tips” for a few ideas of what other people think. Just remember that everyone has an opinion and there’s no such thing as “absolutely right.”

    Other than that, have fun with it. I look forward to reading more of your story and watching your videos.